Punishing humanity for masturbating isn’t going to work so you may as well give it up, God has been told today.
God, who regularly causes substantial property damage through catastrophic weather conditions, has been asked to leave it out as the pleasure of being able to knock one out more than makes up for slightly higher insurance premiums.
Speaking from the Florida Keys, regular fricatrice Simone Williams told us that the only little man in a boat she cared about wasn’t in the gulf bobbing about in the path of a violent storm.
“Yes, the Lord sends great punishments on humanity for the sin of Onan,” she told us.
“But in practice what that manifests as is me cracking one off and Mar-A-Lago getting flattened. That’s actually win-win.
“In fact, the idea of Mar-a-Lago getting flattened is enough to make me want to get frisky right now, so it’s actually cause and effect.”
When asked, God said that actually, he thought this is what people wanted when they prayed for a ‘Good Blow’, and he apologised for any misunderstanding.