“I did not have sexual relations with myself” insists Ted Cruz

author avatar by 6 years ago

Ted Cruz has denied having had a sexual encounter with ‘that man’ after liking pornography on Twitter overnight.

Cruz, who once wrote a 76-page defence of a ban on masturbation aids, denied there was any hypocrisy in his position on self-pleasure as he at no point actually engaged in relations with himself.

“My position on masturbation has been an object of speculation in recent hours,” he told a hastily-convened press conference with both hands in plain view.

“Left hand. Right hand. Face up, face down, rubbing. They have all been suggested.

“I can confirm they are all nonsense. Clearly I did not touch myself in a sexual manner. Nobody would. Not even I would sink that low.”

His family have vowed to stand with the Senator in this difficult time, although not too close and they’d prefer not to hold hands thanks very much.

“Thank you for your support,” added Cruz. “When we stand firm, there’s nothing that’s too hard for us to beat. God Bless America.”