Gassing chavs and shooting peasants will be legal in Brexit Britain, promises Boris Johnson

author avatar by 7 years ago

A leaked WhatsApp conversation between members of a Tory activist group in which ‘gassing chavs and shooting peasants’ was mentioned has been held up by the foreign secretary as a shining example of post-Brexit Britain.

The blonde buffoon, now past the point of caring that everyone knows he has his sights set firmly on the door of Number Ten, laughed when he heard the quote from the leaked WhatsApp thread.

“Splendid, splendid!” he guffawed, as journalists accosted him while mounting his bicycle.

“That’s just what we need in the Conservative party. Young activists with a strong desire to restore a bit of order to society through a spot of selective homicide. Jolly good, what?”

He mumbled on “It goes without saying that we will be holding power over Labour and, er, what were they called again? Oh yes, the Lib Dems, that’s it, for at least the next decade or two, so we will be able to introduce a bit of classic Tory legislation regarding the culling of certain groups.

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“Especially as we’ll be free from those pesky EU human rights rules.”

The almighty bumblegit then added, “Now, must dash – playing a game of croquet with Michael Gove to decide who’ll be next leader. Loser will become chancellor.”