North Korea has issued a ‘terrifyingly credible’ threat to destroy the US Navy by leaving stuff lying around and then waiting for the inevitable to happen.
In a chillingly-worded ultimatum this morning, DPRK state media said that the Dear Leader had ordered large, clearly marked objects to be left in the middle of the ocean for the Pacific fleet to blunder into.
The 7th Fleet has been placed on high alert, with mariners warned to be extra vigilant for dirty great objects bobbing round in the middle of a vast expanse of water and if possible to steer round them rather than into them.
However, military analysts have warned that the move could prove ‘devastating’ to American naval assets which have proven singularly incapable of sailing in anything other than a straight line.
“The Dear Leader has ensured the preservation of the motherland and destruction of imperialist navies by ordering big boats, rocks, lighthouses – pretty much anything really – left lying around and then going for lunch,” a DPRK attaché told us.
“Huge, stationary and slow-moving objects of any size can provide a critical navigation hazard for the running-dog sailors of America, and it is likely the entire fleet will retreat to port when faced with the threat of some concrete bollards placed just off the Korean shoreline.”
A White House spokesman said that although they were concerned by the threats, when Kim Jong-Un said the US Navy would be destroyed by the time he’d finished having lunch it had to be remembered he’s a big fat bastard who does have very long lunches.