What looks like a dirty sack full of Steve Bannon’s stuff on his desk is actually Steve Bannon, according to White House sources.
The grubby, shapeless bag appeared on his desk shortly after Bannon’s firing was announced and staff thought it was there to help remove his collected junk from the office – until co-workers noticed it was actually crying and clinging to the furniture.
“It was making some sort of incoherent mooing noise, but I just thought that was one of those novelty cow-moo toys that you tip over, stuffed inside the filthy burlap heap,” said this week’s Press Officer Simon-Bob Williams.
“If you put one of those in a jute sack full of custard that’s about the impression I’m trying to give here.
“Then I realised the noise was actually a wail of human despair and the slumped bundle of stinking rags was actually Steve in his best suit and there was an actual, real human in there.
“Which was a leap of empathy greater than Steve has ever managed in his life. Fuck that guy.”
After a few minutes, security was called to the office and the sack was removed to the bins round the back to be taken away, still blubbering pathetically.