Garden furniture designed to ward off insects while providing a calming light at night has today moved to disassociate itself from racist morons who aren’t brave enough to play with real fire.
As hundreds of alt-right and neo-Nazi activists brandished the tiki torch as a symbol of their inability to master fire in Charlottesville, the torches themselves have been left incredibly embarrassed.
A spokes-torch told us, “Honestly, we can barely show our faces today. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be carried around for hours by an angry white virgin dressed like Donald Trump?
“We didn’t have any say in how we were used, we too are victims of these racist simpletons.
“You’d think most people would realise we’re designed for garden parties, not protest marches, but these folks really are a few sausages short of a BBQ.”
However, an organiser of the Unite the Right rally told us, “The Alt-right movement has as much right as anyone to hold night-time rallies that are mosquito free.
“Sure, our forefathers burnt wooden torches and huge wooden crosses, but these lovely bamboo tiki torches are available in Wallmart, and frankly they smell delicious.”