Nuclear War ‘might hit house prices’, warns report

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Global Thermonuclear War might push homeowners across the South of England into negative equity, reports have warned today.

A barrage of atomic detonations around the world could cause house prices to tumble as buy-to-let investors flee the market for safe havens like canned food, shotgun ammunition and souped-up dune buggies.

Even relatively distant blasts could knock up to 20% off the price of an average London flat, as howling firestorms strip the flesh from potential buyers before they can put down a deposit.

In a strongly-worded editorial today, the Daily Mail demanded the government do more to help property owners affected by an exchange of ICBMs between the USA and North Korea by providing more amenities such as better schools, local policing, and a fortified compound with overlapping fields of fire for flamethrowers and machine-guns.

However, the Guardian welcomed the potential fall, saying that it might finally give hardworking young families of radioactive cockroaches their chance to get their foot on the ladder.

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“Reducing homeowners in the Tory shires to charred and sizzling skeletons would free up housing stock and end the London-centric economic policies of the current government,” it read.

“Which can only be to the long-term benefit of underinvested Northern communities.

“The opportunity to move into a gigantic glowing crater of their own would be welcomed by many residents of Doncaster.”

Reports also warn that lawless bands of scabrous mutants may end up controlling access to what little housing remains, a situation described as ‘a major improvement from having to deal with Foxtons’.