Grateful parents are hailing plans for a Tory Glastonbury as one of the most effective punishment threats for unruly teenagers in a generation.
Tory MP George Freeman announced plans for a festival for Tories after seeing Jeremy Corbyn being cheered by hundreds of thousands of people at Glastonbury and concluding that the only reason Tory MPs weren’t being cheered by hundreds of thousands of people was because they didn’t have their own festival.
“It’s brilliant,” said parent Simon Williams.
“Simon junior, our son, used to be out till all hours, was hooked on legal highs, carried a knife and listened to misogynistic rap music.
“Yesterday morning, we threatened him with Tory Glastonbury if his behaviour didn’t improve and already overnight he’s got two A-levels, become vegetarian and nursed an injured vole back to health.
“He still listens to rap music, but only the acceptable stuff by De La Soul about being nice to each other and growing flowers.”
Schools across the country have seen overnight improvements in classroom behaviour as the threat of Tory Glastonbury looms hard over pupils.
“Tory Glastonbury, bruv. That shit’s messed up,” said one student.
“It’d be like all geezers wearing suits and being posh and watching, you know, Morrissey and Jeremy Clarkson and shit.
“I ain’t risking that. I’m doing exams and shit.”
However, it is recommended that parents and schools take advantage of the threat where they can as there is speculation that the EU may soon rule that threatening anyone with Tory Glastonbury would be a grievous violation of their human rights.