We’re lulling EU into a false sense of security with our repeated displays of incompetence, insist Brexit negotiators

author avatar by 6 years ago

Accusations of incompetence with regard to Brexit negotiations have been brushed aside with claims that we’re lulling the EU into a false sense of security before we strike.

Speaking to Radio 4’s Westminster Hour Sir Simon Fraser, Britain’s chief mandarin at the foreign office until 2015, said the UK side had been ‘a bit absent’ at the negotiations.

However, David Davis, the minister for Brexit, was quick to respond.

“That’s exactly what we want them to think,” he said whilst enjoying a large gin and tonic from exactly the sort of golf club bar you’d expect a man like David Davis to spend his holidays in.

“We’re only pretending to be utterly incompetent on every level to to make them think we’re incompetent on every level.”

“You know how a rabbit, when threatened by an angry dog, will lie completely still in the long grass, as if dead, until the angry dog has moved on? We are very much the dead rabbit in these negotiations.

“Then, when the EU is completely confident in it’s overwhelmingly superior negotiating position, we will rise up and strike, like the…erm, rabbit does against the dog.

“The point is, that the negotiations are going completely according to plan and we’ve got them right where we want them. Cheers.”

Mr Davis then returned to his friends, completely forgetting he’d left two bags of crisps, a small white wine and his wallet on the bar.