Schengen officials happy to provide Brits with exactly the kind of border controls they asked for

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In what the EU as called an olive branch to Brexit Britain, the European Borders and Coast Guard Agency has implemented the tight immigration procedures that British wish to see in the UK.

EBCG spokesman Szymon Boleslaw explained that the new measures held special meaning to his colleagues.

“Our HQ is in Warsaw, so many of our staff have relatives in England, like my sister who works for your NHS looking after your sick people.

“She tells me English people love giving her their informed and measured opinion on immigration. We’ve heard you. Plus you guys love queuing, don’t you?”

Police officials at a local level were also keen to help British people begin their new life outside the EU.

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At Malaga airport, Captain Ines Esquivias of the Guardia Civil said her unit was delighted at the new policy.

“We bear no ill will about Brexit. We love British manners and your quiet, reserved charm. So we have decided to provide a bespoke service when flights from the UK come in.

“To make sure you get the best treatment we have specially trained two officers to work with you. They and they alone will process all British passports from now on.”

“You British love animals, so we put several canine units in the arrival halls.

“To the untrained eye, it might look like they have been trained to react aggressively to the smell of cheap lager and Lynx bodyspray. But trust me, our dogs love you as much as we do. Welcome to Europe!”

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