Alan Titchmarsh is finally bored of his own career.
The gardener/novelist finally realised that whatever he’s up to at any given time could only be of interest to the elderly, the lonely or the mental.
“I had the realisation while giving a demonstration at a gardening show, which is actually a thing,” said Titchmarsh.
“I was showing an audience of enthralled OAPs how to properly plant a bulb for some kind of poncey plant, when it dawned on me that I’ve been doing this shit for over twenty years. I just started crying, which only endeared me to the audience even more.
“I mean…gardening. It’s just rubbish and I’m tired of it.
“I’m going to jack this in and take up the electric guitar and watch some really funky porn.”
Alan’s agent, Simon Williams, said, “I strongly advised Alan against changing things up this close to his death.
“This is the time in life to play it safe. The time to take risks was when Alan was in his 20s, at which point he was putting down a deposit on a greenhouse.
“He’s doing life backwards, the tit.”