Plucky underdogs Manchester City are going to do their best to survive the season with a mere 673,832 players on their books after the weekend sale of Aleks Kolarov to Roma.
“Well, ideally we’d want to start the season at a full strength 673,833 players,” said manager Pep Guardiola.
“But we’re a resilient group, if we can’t get the replacement for Aleks and have to manage with just 673,832 players, then…well, you know, we’re fighters.”
The majority of players who are on Manchester City’s books are currently out on loan to lower league teams or foreign leagues clubs – there is a team in the Second division that is currently made up entirely of Manchester City loanees, and an entire league in South America made up of Manchester City teenagers looking for experience.
One promising young Polish midfielder is on loan to a family in Bridlington to do keepie-uppies in their back garden.
“Well, we’d never have been able to afford as talented a player as Tomasz to stand in our back garden doing keepie-uppies,” said Simon Williams, who had a Mexican defender on loan from Chelsea last season to do headers against the wall.
“So these loans work out brilliantly for us as we get a top player doing keepie-uppies in the back garden, and Tomasz gets all the experience that comes from doing keepie-uppies in the back garden.”
It is thought that by 2024, all teams in all leagues across the planet will be made up solely with promising young players on loan from Manchester City.