Slaughter of male BBC presenters could save licence fee payer billions, pledges Theresa May

author avatar by 6 years ago

TV licences are set to become a lot cheaper after the government announced plans to cull leading male presenters.

The PM warned that drastic measures are needed if your Nan is to continue to enjoy free access to those shit afternoon crime films they show on Channel Five.

Among those topping the death-list are Gary Lineker (two million), Chris Evans (two million and a bit) and Matt Baker (half a million)

May said, “Lineker has used up all of the good faith he earned scoring that equaliser against Germany. All crisps taste the same when you’re dead Gary.

“As for Matt Baker earning half a million for walking around a field – I think we all know who put the cunt in Countryfile.

“Sterling charity work aside, who hasn’t at one time or other wanted to wipe that smug grin off his face with a poorly-maintained threshing machine?”

Meanwhile, May refused to confirm reports that Chris Evans will succumb to a bizarre electrocution incident involving a microphone boom and a packet of Quavers.

“Much like Evans’s entire career – It will be made to look a very unfortunate accident,” she told us.

Meanwhile, Work and Pensions Secretary, Damien Green, who engineered the policy, added, “We’re not sure how this will play with the public, but it can’t be as bad as the shitstorm kicked up when we suggested families should sacrifice their first-born child.”