Wormtail quits as White House press secretary

author avatar by 7 years ago

Half-man half-rat Peter Pettigrew has resigned suddenly from his role as chief spokesman for the White House.

The resignation has come as a shock to administration figures, who believed Pettigrew’s loyalty to the Orange Lord unshakable, but the move is understood to have been caused by the appointment of a gigantic venomous serpent as Pettigrew’s immediate boss.

Pettigrew is understood to have disputed the appointment with the Orange Lord, who attempted to placate his servants’ concerns with gouts of unholy lightning and wracking, intolerable pain.

“Nobody ever thought Wormtail would ever desert his master,” said one staffer who asked to remain nameless for his own safety.

“He’d been given a nice, comfortable burrow, and all he had to do in return was sacrifice any dignity and self-respect for a life of crushing humiliation and contempt.

“The Orange Lord is indeed kind.”

Peter Pettigrew had a combative relationship with the press, on one memorable occasion scuttling to hide amongst some bushes when caught mid-change to his human form.

He later announced that only reporters prepared to wear the Dark Mark would be accepted to White House press events, a restriction a depressing number agreed to.

In a tweet, He Who Should Not Be Named described reports in the failing Quibbler as ‘fake news’, and ‘sad’.

His replacement is expected to be former Isengard spokesman Grima Wormtongue, who Trump staffers describe as ‘incredibly qualified.’