Friday, July 21, 2017

Wormtail quits as White House press secretary

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Half-man half-rat Peter Pettigrew has resigned suddenly from his role as chief spokesman for the White House.

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Woman struck down by ‘food poisoning’ after drinking litre of wine

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A woman has been hit with ‘food poisoning’ after drinking a litre of wine in a popular high street establishment.

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Pest controllers removing parasites in Parliament buildings finally corner Michael Gove

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Pest controllers contracted to remove parasites from the Houses of Parliament say they have Michael Gove cornered in a back office.

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‘Big Lemonade’ behind plot to crush plucky 5-year-old competitor

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A five-year-old lemonade stand owner has had her business shut down after a shady lemonade stand cartel pulled in a few favours from local government officials.

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Canadian official slowly turning to stone after touching the Queen

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A top Canadian official is said to be ‘stable’ as he slowly turns to stone after touching the Queen at an official function yesterday.

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Vince Cable emerges from epic, seven-year sulk

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Vince Cable has finally stopped sulking due to the Liberal Democrats agreeing to put him in charge.

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Bear found not guilty of shitting in the woods after hiring OJ Simpson’s defence lawyer

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Brown bear, Simon Williams, has been found not guilty of defecating in a forest after employing OJ Simpson’s defence lawyer.

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