Nobody living longer because why the hell would they want to

author avatar by 6 years ago

Left expectancy rises have ground to a halt because why would you want to prolong the misery of existence in today’s society, according to researchers.

University College London health expert Simon Michaels said that he was ‘deeply concerned’ by the slowdown in life expectancy, but was not even remotely surprised.

He told us, “You only have to look around you, Love Island, Brexit, Donald Trump – what possible reason do today’s elderly have in order to cling on and bring up the average?

“Honestly, at this point I’m a little surprised the number isn’t dropping off a sodding cliff.”

78-year-old Alfred Williams told us, “When I was younger I was full of hope for the future, and a desire to hang around as long as possible to see where society would end up.  Would we end up living on Mars, would we cure cancer, and incredible technology would our grandchildren bring to bear?

“But these days I just don’t see the point.  Most of you are too young to remember where a rise in nationalist populism takes you, but it’s nowhere good, I assure you.

“The fact that millions of people greeted Brexit like it was the bloody moon landing tells you all you need to know about how society is developing these days.

“Seriously, I have no desire to take the life expectancy average any higher than it currently is just to watch you young’uns fuck everything into a hole in the ground.

“Better I just get into mine and be done with it.”