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Everyone has said they would like access to online pornography, scuppering the government’s plans to make such content available only to people who say they want it.
The government outlined plans today for online pornography to be made available only in homes that ‘opt-in’ and prove they’re old enough to access to such content, seemingly unaware that everyone has already done so.
Internet user Simon Williams told us, “The moment I heard there was a plan for opt-in, I put my hand in the air. Not that one, that one was busy.
“If the government is somehow under the impression that this nation’s secret perverts will too ashamed to opt-in to get access to their porn fix, then they can expect to be sorely mistaken.
“Trust me, I, and millions like me would double opt-in if it meant we got access to the really good stuff.
“If Theresa May thought this would work, then I can only suspect that she is being advised on her Internet policy by my nan.”
The government has spoken of its disappointment at the 100% opt-in rate, explaining that they thought there might be one or two homes that chose not to.
A spokesperson explained, “The mistake we have made is underestimating how thoroughly depraved the general public is, and how tedious masturbation can actually be without access to a myriad of online filth to occupy the mind.”
Online decency campaigner Sheila Matthews said, “This new government plan is important because it will keep the minds of our young people pure, and we need to protect the most vulnerable in society from materials that could corrupt their young minds.
“Yes, my husband has already opted in, but that’s not the point.”
