Romelu Lukaku’s agent Mino Raiola has been admitted to hospital after masturbating himself into a coma following the striker’s £75m move to Man Utd.
According to sources, Raiola wanked himself unconsciousness shortly after the record-breaking transfer was confirmed.
“He started getting an erection when the rumours appeared at the end of the season,” said unnamed source Simon Williams.
“By the time Lukaku arrived at Old Trafford for a medical, he was ejaculating dust.”
A statement from the hospital treating Raiola, said: “We can confirm that we are currently treating a man who is in a coma brought on by ferocious masturbation.
“There is little we can do about the fixed grin, and despite being heavily sedated he has been mumbling ‘twenty percent, twenty percent’ over and over again since his arrival.
“Surgeons have successfully removed his hand from his penis, but we are preparing his wife for the possibility that the erection will be permanent.”
Raiola’s PA told reporters that the warning signs started to manifest as soon as word of the initial bid reached the agent’s office.
She said, “His hands went straight down his trousers as soon as Man United made an approach.
“When the deal was completed, well, he was pretty much a blur from that point on.”