Britain has issued a critical flying ant warning, whilst downgrading the terror alert to ‘meh’.
Faced with the prospect of several days of mildly annoying winged insects during warm weather, polling shows a majority of city dwellers now approve of the government implementing the sort of measures they’d never dream of accepting when the only threat is a bunch of bearded nutters blowing themselves up about the place.
“There’s a real risk of civil society grinding to a halt in the face of this menace unless the government does something,” said ant-victim Simon Williams
“In the time it took me to take my cup of tea into the garden this morning, two of those flying ant thingys had landed in it. Two!
“And when I went to the park with the kids last night, they were everywhere! Ants! Bloody hundreds of them!
“They should put the emergency services on high alert and cancel all leave.”
When told that whilst the ant terror was spreading over the land, hundreds of potential terrorists were poised to strike at any moment, Britain replied “Whatever. Bring it, losers.”
Upon hearing the news, ISIS hurried out a press release claiming responsibility for flying ants, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, infidels.