The Queen is to dramatically revoke the United States’ independence after nearly 250 years because she doesn’t believe they can be trusted to govern themselves.
Queen Elizabeth II made the decision at the annual Independence review that takes place on July 4th.
The country will now have one month to cede all matters of Government to London, learn their new national anthem, and “start driving on the left-hand side of the road like normal people.
“Whilst Her Majesty has been tremendously impressed with some of the United States’ achievements in the past 250 years,” began a Palace spokesperson, “the films of Martin Scorsese, early 90s hip-hop, and fried chicken being particularly notable examples.
“It is impossible to overlook the fact that they have also been responsible for the Star Wars prequels, mullets, and, of course, the elevation of Donald Trump to the office of President.
“Placing a bizarrely coloured man-child with ridiculous hands and a predilection for sexual harassment in charge is a clear sign that the country can’t be trusted to look after itself.
“As such, the Queen will re-establish rule and Donald Trump can return to his former state of shit property magnate.”
It is widely believed that revoking the United States’ independence has put the Queen in a feisty mood and she is currently considering abolishing Parliament and declaring war on France to ‘get this bloody Brexit thing sorted once and for all’.