Pigs who complain about the way we put our penises inside them are just being selfish, insists David Cameron

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David Cameron has slammed the pig species for daring to complain about the way some of them are treated at the hands of Tories, by calling them selfish for doing so.

Speaking at an event in South Korea, the former Prime Minister told the stunned audience, “It seems that there is a general feeling among the pig species that it is not fair that from time to time one of our Bullingdon Club parties might get a bit out of hand and result in one of the chaps popping his todger in the mouth of a dead pig.

“Quite frankly, this is a selfish and uncompassionate view to take on the matter.”

Cameron, who is rumoured to earn up to £100,000 per speaking engagement, explained “The pigs should remember that great leaders are made, not through hard work and a willingness to do good in the world, but through being willing to complete a number of dubious sexual dares in front of their similarly privileged peers.

“And so by complaining about their involvement in such activities the pigs are showing quite a selfish streak, because it is through them being the victims of a good porking – if you’ll pardon the pun – future prime ministers can demonstrate their worth.”

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David Cameron also stressed that him moving to the countryside a couple of decades ago had nothing to do with rumours of personal porcine sexual impropriety during his university years, and that any rumours about him popping ‘little Dave’ into the mouth of a dead pig were unfounded, even though it was pretty funny at the time.