It has been revealed that the strategy that the Government is pursuing regarding Brexit is being guided by a belligerent drunk from a pub in the home-counties.
The Government had been accused of having no discernible strategy regarding Britain’s exit from the EU, but this has proven to be incorrect with the revelation that it is actually being guided by man who drinks seven pints of strong lager before Pointless is on and refers to people of colour as ‘them darkies.’
“We couldn’t believe it when it came out that he was the brains behind Brexit,” said Simon Williams, who runs Spatchcocks in the small village of Bastard in Hampshire.
“I mean, he comes in at opening and just sits on that stool drinking Kronenburg. He hardly ever soils himself anymore, which is brilliant, but he does get a bit agitated when there’s any black people on the TV.”
Mr Williams then produced a small piece of paper.
“I don’t know why I kept this,” he said.
“It was before we knew that he was guiding the Brexit strategy, but I did keep it and it makes sense now. I think this might be…well, I think this might be the guiding principle of the whole Brexit philosophy.”
The lager-stained piece of paper read simply – ‘French = shitters’.
Mr Williams went on to reveal that the name of the belligerent, racist, borderline insane, heavy drinking lunatic guiding the Brexit strategy is David Davies and he is currently Secretary of State for leaving the European Union.