Pound-store Prime Minister Theresa May intends to spend the first full day of the new government desperately clinging to power.
A leaked schedule for the hapless wheat-worrier reveals that she will wake at 7am, have a big bowl of Coco-pops and then spend half an hour desperately clinging to power.
She will then watch Googlebox on catch-up before taking an hour to desperately cling on to power.
As it’s a light day, she will take a brief trip to the countryside to run through a wheat field because that’s definitely a thing that normal people do and then she’ll desperately cling on to power for a while.
She will then spend a good few hours desperately clinging to power before her daily hour of practising behaviour consistent with a normal human being.
After sobbing fully clothed under a cold shower for half an hour, she’ll then have an good hour or so to desperately cling to power before going to bed.
Although unconfirmed, it is expected she will spend at least an hour starring wide-eyed at the ceiling replaying the nightmare of the last six weeks, then she’ll briefly cling to power and finally drop off to sleep.
It is understood that the schedule will remain largely unchanged for the coming days until the rest of the goons in the Tory Party can agree on exactly when they plan to stick the knife in.