Guardian to offer readers special hand-wringing towels after ISIS leader killed

author avatar by 7 years ago

The Guardian newspaper is to offer its readers free hand-wringing towels in the wake of the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.

The towel will assist their readers in the essential grieving process of uttering empty, po-faced pieties whilst wringing their hands and looking concerned to their friends over a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.

The towels will be included with today’s edition of the newspaper and will be emblazoned with the phrase “But you have to sympathise with his anger.”

On the reverse, it will read “Surely much of the responsibility rests with us?”

“I think in many ways we’re the baddies in this situation”, Guardian reader Simon Williams told us, whilst using his towel.

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“My ideal solution would be for him to have been arrested and brought to trial for his crimes, but obviously I wouldn’t be willing for British troops to have gone to the Middle East to do it.

“The fact the government failed to satisfy my contradictory wishes just shows they don’t deserve to be in power.”

The paper plans to support the use of their towel by running several editorials written by Jeremy Corbyn over the next few days explaining that although al-Baghdadi beheaded people in cold blood on the Internet, in a very real sense he was actually the victim.