Thousands of voters have woken up to a ‘hung parliament’ before heading directly to their sheds to fashion a rudimentary hanging noose and booking a train ticket to Westminster.
Across the country, people who don’t normally listen to the news have become overly excited at the prospect of a good old-fashioned political lynching.
Sharon Williams, whose husband is a fan of capital punishment, told us, “He’s been constructing a ten-foot frame for a noose in the shed since 7:30, cackling to himself like an idiot about the pros and cons of the long drop versus the short drop.
“He got straight out of bed after first mention of a hung parliament on the radio, before putting the sat-nav on charge and telling me to find the post code for the Houses of Parliament.
“Then he went and fetched a length of rope while still in his pyjamas. Honestly, he looks so happy I just don’t have the heart to tell him.”
London rope merchant Jack Matthews told us that his first hour of trade this morning had been his busiest since setting up his business in 1991.
He explained, “It’s been like Picadilly Circus in here. It’s been a non-stop stream violent simpletons with a very definite gleam in their eye.
“The question I’ve been asked more than any other is if a particular rope would support the weight of a middle-aged Tory politician.
“I could have corrected them about the political situation, obviously, but I’m sure the Tories would appreciate my stance that ‘business is business’.”