Diane Abbott stages miraculous recovery

author avatar by 7 years ago

Diane Abbott has undergone a miraculous recovery the morning after the election, you’ll be pleased to hear.

Diane, who suffered from a previously undiagnosed complaint which spontaneously appeared whenever cameras were pointed at her during campaigning, had to step down for the good of her votes health on Wednesday but announced she is well enough to return to full-time duties this morning.

Abbott is understood to have stopped coughing and risen from her sickbed at 10:01pm last night, in a recovery that many described as ‘utterly remarkable and completely unpredictable’.

“Diane Abbott sought medical advice and learned her big problem is being Diane Abbott,” we were told. “Apparently it’s incurable.

“She might have ballsed up big time last week, but that was last week and she’s got a new hairdo now.

“That’ll make all the difference.”

Diane is expected to return to work as soon as doctors figure out how to get her to stop laughing.