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John Terry is tonight celebrating his retirement from football in order to focus on his true passions of adultery and racism.
“John has had a wonderful footballing career,” said the player’s agent, Simon Williams.
“He’s been part of a Chelsea side that has won the Premier League, the FA Cup and the League Cup, as well as European trophies.
“As for individual honours, he’s also won Chelsea Player of the Year, PFA Players’ Player of the Year, UEFA Club Defender of the Year and was even named as a member of the 2006 FIFA World Cup All-Star Team.
“But now it’s time for him to hang up his boots and focus on what he does best: adultery and racism.
“They say that in retirement every man needs a hobby, and John’s lucky that he’s got two: shagging other women and abusing people of different races.
“He feels he simply hasn’t given either discipline the attention needed lately, so he’s going to get cracking right away with a night out in Dagenham, where both can be explored freely.
“The Dog and Snatch should take care of the adultery and there’s an Asian chap who runs the corner shop opposite, so John can get stuck into shouting at him after a couple of Smirnoff Ices.”
Local Dagenham woman Shirley Lavern said, “I’d be delighted to help John get back into the swing of adultery.
“I can even organise a guard of honour for when I pull him off after 26 minutes.”
