The Tory manifesto will launch today with a promise to provide tough leadership for these tough times brought about by tough Tory leadership.
“These are tough times,” said Prime Minister and Dark Lord of the Sith Theresa May.
“The sort of tough times that can only come from seven years of tough Tory leadership, and the truth is that the only person with the qualifications to govern in these tough times is me, the architect of many of the policies that have brought about these tough times.”
Mrs May cited her billboards urging immigrants to ‘go home.’
“Obviously, they were an abject disaster that did little but ferment xenophobia and racism, but who was it who had to govern in the aftermath?
“It wasn’t Jeremy Corbyn, was it? It was us.
“The fact is that when it comes to dealing with disastrous Tory policies such as selling off council houses, crushing austerity and poorly-conceived, hubristic referenda, the only party with a proven track record of successfully governing in the aftermath is the Tory party.”
It is understood that a new Tory Government will look to continue these tough times for the next five years, and campaign in the next election on the basis of being the only party able to provide the tough leadership for the tough times that will have been created by twelve years of Tory leadership.