“There is no Trump, only Zuul” confirms voice from White House refrigerator

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A hellish, disembodied voice from a refrigerator has been appointed White House spokesman in the latest staff shakeup.

The voice, which was originally believed to be Sean Spicer hiding in the fridge, instead turns out to be that of Gozer the Destroyer – an ancient Mesopotamian deity who has taken over as Press Secretary until the end of the first term or the world, whichever comes first.

The discovery has led to claims by staff that the White House is haunted, although reports of a repugnant, gluttonous spook prowling the corridors turn out to be sightings of the President himself.

“We should have seen this coming when we discovered Trump Tower had been built by Ivo Shandor, who was not only a prominent architect but also was a howlingly insane servant of outer darkness who was eventually torn to pieces by invisible demons in Chelsea market,” a White House insider told us.

“Of course, it’s easy to say that with the benefit of hindsight but at the time he seemed no more unusual than many of Mr Trump’s other business associates.”

When asked, the refrigerator invited assembled reporters to ‘choose the form of their destruction’, before warning against thinking of a huge, pasty white, shambling, mindless man who is widely loathed in New York as they’ve already got one of those.