The Labour election manifesto is an 80’s-style ‘choose your own adventure’ book, it has been announced.
Like the 1980s “Fighting Fantasy” books, the manifesto will be set in a magical fairyland of plenty where everything bad is caused by horrid monsters from outside and gold coins simply appear from nowhere.
Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell told reporters that he had spent years getting support by telling people anything at all, no matter how contradictory, and the manifesto would cut out the middleman and let voters do it for themselves.
“If you want our policy on tax to be ‘squeeze the rich’, turn to page 14,” he said.
“If you want it to be ‘a business-friendly competitive tax environment’, turn to page 76.
“And if you want to know how much we believe we can raise in tax, turn to pages 7, 9, 17, 28, 44, 73, 74, 125, 149, 190 or 213, as there’ll be a different answer on every page.”
Meanwhile, readers will be invited to turn to page 51 for reduced borrowing or page 60 for another £435bn in additional spending commitments.
However, the entry reading, “For our Brexit policy, turn to page 405” has been criticised as the book has only 400 pages.
The major villain of the book is a terrible ogre called “Maggie”, whom the reader is discouraged from learning was defeated twenty-five years before the book actually begins.
“We hope people won’t read that part,” admitted McDonnell.