Diane Abbott pledges to cap energy bills at eleventy billions every half quarter

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Under a Labour government, consumers would pay no more than eleventy billion pounds per 1.5 months, according to Diane Abbott.

The Home Secretary came up with the new figures after the Labour Party’s Energy Secretary was found with his head in a gas oven after reading the latest polling figures, which according to Abbott put Labour eight points ahead.

In addition, Abbott says Labour would increase the windfall tax on private utilities to three point one four two with eight recurring.

However, Simon Williams of the Institute for Fiscal Studies, said, “Assuming that by ‘eleventy’ she means eleven, this would result in individual customers paying a staggering forty-four billion pounds every year – more than the GDP of Lesotho.

“Even with the metre running backwards, that’s still going to cost you.”

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Abbott said, “We’ve spoken to the fifty-twelve different suppliers, of which there only six ten, carry three over and multiply by two – that gives you seven.

“Not including Manpower.

“Er – no. Shit that’s meant to be a nine. Looks more like an eight.

“Eight pounds per square inch. No wait.

She added, “Can somebody open the blinds?”