New healthcare proposals would result in bridge and command crew keeping access to Medbay, but security personnel being forced to make their own provision.
Members of Starship crew who are ‘statistically most likely’ to be shot, stabbed or sprayed by hypnotic plants will have to supply their own cover for treatment of alien parasites in their skulls after Starfleet brought in new healthcare directives yesterday.
Crewmembers who spend their time being beamed to hostile planets have been told that being sent on an away mission into the unknown terrors of a hostile and uncaring universe is being reclassified as a ‘pre-existing condition’, meaning they will not be entitled to Medbay treatment should the entirely predictable happen.
“How come when Captain Kirk gets Romulan Herpes off a green dancing girl during a diplomatic mission to Ceti Alpha 6 he gets full treatment, but if I’m attacked by a salt-sucking monster that’s suddenly a pre-existing condition?” said Security crewman Simon Williams.
“Starfleet even told me that I should choose between a new tricorder and healthcare, but a tricorder only costs two bars of gold-pressed latinum – which is less than three days in Medbay treatment under the new system.
“It took me weeks to recover from being forced to battle Mr Spock by psychic aliens. He hits really hard. How am I going to pay for that on an Ensign’s salary?
“I’m not even going to be allowed to speak to Doctor McCoy if I can’t find the money, and all the while the Captain is hanging round Nurse Chapel like a randy spaniel when there’s nothing wrong with him a good slap couldn’t cure.
“And I’m pretty sure that can’t be his real hair.”
When asked, a Starfleet spokesman told us that they didn’t know what all the fuss was about.
“Today is a good day to die, as you’re about to find out,” we were told.