Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning.
Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing ‘complete wipeout’ based on her figures.
“Thanks to Diane’s remarkable command of mathematics, Labour have swept to victory with well over 100% of the vote nationwide,” we were told.
“We believe that the birds of the air and the fishes of the seas came forth to cast their vote for him; it’s the only way her maths can be correct.
“She says now we’ve seized the country she’ll be working up her calculations on how we can turn the observable universe into nurses and policemen for 40p each.”
When told that Labour had actually lost, Diane said she wasn’t one hundred and eleventy billion percent certain of the actual numbers but she was confident events would prove her right.
I’m voting for the side with the fewest arseholes – NEW t-shirt!