by 
A man with startlingly poor personal hygiene is determined to sit next to you despite there being plenty of other seats available today.
The man, who does not appear to be able to afford soap despite owning some expensive trainers and a new phone, has already walked past several unoccupied seats before asking you to ‘shove up’ to make room for him and his eye-watering odour.
Incredible as it may seem, he has completely missed your best efforts to avoid eye contact and occupy as much of the seat as possible, and seems to think you will welcome his pong as an ideal start to your morning.
“Yeah, I know I’ve not had time to grab a shower this morning – or yesterday, come to think of it, or the day before that – but I reckon it’s okay, isn’t it?” he told us.
“I mean – I’ve been pretty generous with the Lynx Africa this morning which covers up the worst of it, and I think it accentuates the residual scent of the Lynx Dark Temptation that I put on to go out on the pull on Saturday quite well.
“Now budge up, I need the space to spread my legs as widely as possible.”
When asked, the police confirmed that if you murdered him it would still be a crime although they couldn’t quite say why.
