Liberal Democrats pledge not to make any pledges this time

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Party leader Tim Farron has pledged not to make any promises in his election campaign just in case the Liberal Democrats should find themselves in a coalition government with another, stronger party after the election.

After announcing yesterday that he would not rule out a coalition with the Conservative party, the Liberal Democrat hopeful was reportedly advised by former leader Nick Clegg to stay well clear of any hard and fast promises relating to anything important.

Addressing reporters outside his home, Farron explained, “As we know for a fact that we will never win a majority government, I shall be continuing the age-old tradition of making the Liberal Democrat party available to whichever party wants to have us in the event of a coalition being required.”

He continued, “I have spoken to Nick to see if I could glean a bit of wisdom from his experience as the weakest part of a coalition, and somewhat understandably he strongly advised me to steer clear of making promises about tuition fees.

“Or housing. Or the National Health Service. Or benefits.

“Or anything important, really.”

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Pausing for thought, he added, “We do promise, however, to keep our logo orange. Nice, isn’t it. Cheerful.

“And we will continue to champion gay rights, as long as I don’t have to personally talk or think about the actual homosexual act, obviously.