United Airlines confirms that beatings will continue until volunteering improves

author avatar by 7 years ago

United Airlines have confirmed that they are no longer troubled by overbooked flights in what they have renamed ‘Club Class’.

Instead, a spokesman told us this morning that tickets for the airline will double as a raffle entry for the 2017 Hunger Games, with lucky passengers being asked to fight for available seats.

Speaking over footage of a passenger screaming as he was punched in the face for asking for the service he’d paid for, a spokesman for United confirmed that the airline would shortly be rebranding as an adventure destination for danger-seekers.

This will be followed by them being transferred to a new owner, the guy they just tasered.

A spokesman for United said that they were mystified by the response to the video of a bloodied passenger being by dragged off by staff, and stressed that offering $400, then $800, and then violently assaulting someone at random is perfectly normal in the airline business.

Donald Trump has refused to criticise United Airline’s actions, saying that tasering and dragging was the only way he got Steve Bannon out of the Oval Office as well.

In the UK, customers of South West Trains confirmed that being tasered before your unconscious body is dragged from the carriage would be a definite improvement to what they currently get.