Theresa May sets up exclusion zone around Gibraltar

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Following threats to the sovereignty of Gibraltar, Theresa May has ordered what remains of the British armed forces to head south at once.

Her Majesty’s naval fleet was scrambled this morning at Portsmouth docks in a chilling echo of the conflict that killed more than a thousand Argies.

May ordered an immediate exclusion zone around the exotic ape colony, with instructions to target any foreign vessels that are sailing away from the islands and pose no immediate danger.

May said, “Earlier today, I received reports that a small Spanish fishing vessel containing five crew members and a matador had docked off Gibraltar, with the intention of refuelling.

“We believe this was a pretext for invasion.

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“As a result, I instructed the Spanish Prime Minister, Julio Iglesias, that unless he withdrew his forces immediately, a state of war would exist between Great Britain and Spain.

“I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received and consequently this country is at war with Spain.

“This is shit news for anyone with a second home out there, but what can I do.”

Military analyst, Simon Williams, said, “We did a brief survey of the shit-flinging apes who inhabit the island and the vast majority of them want to remain British.”

“If I was a lithe Spanish teenager hunting for hand-dived scallops, I would be shitting myself right now.”