I’ll start winning, winning, winning next week, pledges President Trump

author avatar by 7 years ago

President Trump has asked supporters to bear with him whilst he starts that whole winning thing he promised.

Despite minor setbacks, including the two major banks of his legislative agenda being ruled illegal or voted down, and only eight people attending his inauguration, Trump told a cheering Steve Bannon that he would get to winning as soon as he finds something he’s capable of winning at.

The statement followed the failure of his attempt to repeal Obamacare last night, in what is being described as ‘the greatest setback for the Republican party since Imperator Furiosa killed Immortan Joe.’

Trump, whose electoral strategy featured him saying ‘winning’ on loop, is understood to be under pressure as he’s not actually done any winning yet.

White House staffers have been ordered to find things Trump can win at in short order to bolster his falling ratings, and have variously suggested rock, paper, scissors, a game of Buckaroo, and war with North Korea.

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“Trump wants a solid win next week,” we were told by an insider.

“So we’re trying to arrange a competition to find The Most Orange Man in Washington as quickly as possible, and we’ve asked the Kool-Aid man not to enter.”

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