International terror groups have demanded an intemperate, ill-considered and short-termist response to their crimes this morning.
Responding with fury to a measured and thoughtful response by the international community to their latest atrocity, terror groups have insisted that this isn’t the sort of thing they’re looking for at all.
Terrorists have pointed to people on the Internet with pictures of teutonic knights or classical statuary on their profiles and suggested that governments would do well to follow their suggestions, which usually feature the words ‘bombing’, ‘camps’ and ’round them all up’.
“Bring back George Bush and Tony Blair,” said ISIS spokesman Mustapha Jihad from an empty, lonely basement somewhere in the group’s rapidly-dwindling territory.
“It was dead easy to get a rise out of them. They’d go flailing around, alienating people, invading random places and generally doing our job for us.
“Now we can’t even get Donald Trump to flip out, and he’s like an eight-year-old on too much sugar with an atom bomb. What are we doing wrong?
“We know you’re expecting something like London Has Fallen, but frankly we don’t have the budget or the manpower these days.”
Londoner Simon Williams told us that, yes, terror attacks were all very well, but anyone who wants to know the true meaning of fear should try getting the night bus from Camden to Kennington at 3am.