Normal people don’t pour hot water over your nan’s bowl of potpourri and then drink it, experts have confirmed.
Herbal tea, which is often marketed as a ‘drink’, cannot match up to the warming joy of an actual, genuine proper cuppa and people who think it can ‘probably need their head examining’, according to a report published today.
The liquid, which can best be described as a slightly sweet-smelling mug of hot water which tastes nothing like how it smells – if it has any taste at all – is popular with the sort of people who visit meditative retreats and think talking about colonic irrigation is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
“Look, if you like both herbal tea and colonic irrigation I’ve got a great idea how you can combine the two – and it would improve both,” said Professor Simon Williams of the Department of Teaological Studies at Oxford University.
“Anything calling itself Tea that isn’t at least a rich brown – or possibly a strong orange colour if you’re on a building site – is lying to you. That’s science.
“And two sugars, please. None of that agave honey crap either.”
Professor Williams went on to describe people who drink coffee that is designed not to taste like coffee as ‘weirdoes’.
“That’s a technical, scientific term”, he told us. “It means they should just get help.”