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Leaked documents have shown that your smartphone is regularly telling the security services that you’re a sad idiot and no danger to anyone.
Wikileaks reports show both the CIA and MI5 have developed technology to ensure your phone reports back with all the tediously sad things you do with it.
CIA analyst Simon Williams said, “Oh yeah, we get all that information. Obviously, we’re actually hoping to catch a terrorist – but a by-product of that is that we’re now also well aware that you are the sort of person that buys more bananas after reading in the Daily Mail that they prevent cancer.
“What sort of idiot has to set a phone reminder for their girlfriend’s birthday? Well, we know – every single one of them.
“And six alarms each morning all set five minutes apart? That is not the sign of someone who is a threat to our way of life. That is the sign of a lazy sod who can’t get his arse out of bed to go to a job he hates.
“As for your browsing habits, well, I’ve yet to see a terrorist debriefing which involved the discussion of their fascination with dwarf porn – so you’re probably safe on that front.
“Seriously, once a week we all get together and laugh about how pathetic you are.”
Those under surveillance have reacted with a mix of anger and relaxed nonchalance.
Phone user Simon Williams said, “I don’t care, I have nothing to hide so why worry about people listening in every now and again?
“But, if you are listening, please don’t tell anyone that this is how I live.”
