Chancellor expected to announce cuts to happiness, empathy and kindness

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Slower than expected economic growth and poor tax receipts have put Philip Hammond on course to announce scathing cuts to happiness, empathy and kindness when he delivers the Spring Budget today.

Leading economist Simon Williams said, “With previous budgets savagely cutting health, education and welfare, it was only a matter of time before the Government turned its attention to abstract concepts like happiness.”

Mr Williams warned that the cuts could lead to nationwide shortages of things that make us feel joy and compassion – cute cat videos, cream cakes, lie-ins and DIY SOS.

“Obviously, rationing feelings that define the human experience isn’t ideal but it’s quite possible to lead a normal & productive life being just selfish, cruel and mean. Ask any Tory.

“It’s not all doom and gloom though,” insisted Mr Williams.

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“Although the pound may have crashed post-Brexit, the kilometre-mile exchange rate has remained remarkably robust.

“In addition, the amount being borrowed by the UK is going to be much lower than expected. Although, in fairness, that’s because no one will loan us any money.

“Finally, the chancellor’s proposed Idiot Tax is expected to add billions to the UK’s coffers. The tax, which will only target people stupid enough to pay it, will affect about 17.4 million people.

“It’ll be a real money spinner for the Government, as long as the demand to pay it is written on the side of a bus.”