UKIP commences its annual meltdown

author avatar by 7 years ago

Members of UKIP have begun tearing each other apart in the press slightly earlier than usual this year.

The party, which usually explodes into recriminations and bitter infighting in late spring, decided to begin the process early this year as it’s been a mild winter and members will want more time in the beer garden.

Members of the party are divided over whether Nigel Farage should be formally referred to as ‘Lord Sir Nigel Farage OBE Hero of the people’ or ‘Oi Nige you cunt’ – a split which seems irreconcilable.

Both sides of the argument claim to want to ‘Take UKIP back to its roots’, a wish which seems equally unappetising whoever’s mouth it comes out of.

“UKIP publically tearing each other to pieces like a pack of angry dogs is a part of the political calendar, just like Summer recess, the Conservatives cutting benefits to the disabled or Labour blaming everyone except their leader for their dire showing in the polls,” political analyst Sir Simon Williams OBE told us.

“UKIP ripping itself a new one is like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona.

“Every year a bunch of maddened animals run amok and attempt to trample all in their path before being slaughtered in their turn.”

Observers have pointed out that in a post-Brexit environment there’s no further actual reason for UKIP to exist, but on the other hand watching the dregs rip each other apart is a great spectator sport.