A woman has been granted a so-called quickie divorce after her husband presented her with a plate of American-style pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, instead of the proper ones everyone knows you’re meant to have.
A judge fast-tracked the case, ruling that this was tantamount to abuse and ordered Simon Williams to hand over 50% of his assets by way of compensation.
“He said he was going to be romantic and surprise me with pancakes on pancake day,” the victim said in a statement.
“Only instead of those nice delicate crepe ones you’re supposed to make, with lemon and sugar, he comes out with these big fluffy mutant things smothered in fucking syrup.
“He had put bacon on the side as well and I think it’s possibly the only time in the history of humanity that anyone has been disappointed at the sight of bacon on their plate.
“My suspicions were first aroused when I saw the plate coming and there was a big stack of items on there – you can’t stack proper pancakes like that because they’re too thin and flaccid.
“I have never felt so horrified, but it’s the kids I feel sorry for now because they’ll grow up with that stigma of being the children of ‘Pancake Dad’.”
Mr Williams was also ordered to attend a pancake awareness course and undertake 500 hours of community service making overpriced crepes for tourists in central London.
He said of the decision: “I’m devastated that my ignorance has led to the break up this family, but I fully accept the consequences of my actions.
“I just Googled ‘how to make pancakes’ and followed the first Jamie Oliver recipe I could find because I thought he could be trusted to make proper British grub, like crepes.
“Not only has my family left me but I’ve lost half of everything I own including my most treasured Top Gear magazines and collection of enamel UKIP badges.
“It’s the first and evidently last time I ever try to do something nice for anyone – I just hope this can help raise awareness to prevent other people making the same mistake in future.”