President Trump pre-emptively bans immigrants from newly discovered planets that may harbour life

author avatar by 7 years ago

The Trump administration in the US has reacted to the discovery of potentially habitable planets in the Trappist-1 system by banning anyone who lives there from visiting the US.

President Trump ordered the ban when it became clear that no-one could correctly ascertain whether or not the potential lifeforms would be Muslim or not.

“I will not let you, the American people down,” said completely sane and rational hair-pioneer and former reality TV star.

“I have got to do whatever I can to protect us all from Space-Muslims. Now, I’m not saying that all Space-Muslims are bad guys, but until we can be sure which Space-Muslims are the good guys and which Space-Muslims are bad guys, then the safest thing for the US is to prevent any Space-Muslims entering the country.

“You only have to look at the recent Space-Muslim terrorist attacks on Mars, Jupiter and deep in the very heart of Uranus to see how bad it’s got.”

NewsThump Best sellers

President Trump also promised to begin work on interplanetary missiles so he can ‘bomb the sh*t’ out of the newly discovered planets if need be.

The ban will come into force from Monday. Probably. Unless it doesn’t. In which case, the ban will be rewritten and will be a much better ban, the best ban, and that will definitely come into effect the following Monday. Unless it’s quietly forgotten about, because of the ridiculous and anti-constitutional nature of the whole sorry enterprise.