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John Bercow has offered to deck the President of the United States.
The Speaker of the House of Commons laid down the challenge in a rare address to the chamber.
“Britain stands for tolerance, openness and fairness, and nobody does fights in a pub car park like we do,” said the speaker, to hearty agreement from listening MPs.
“So I am sending a message loud and clear to the alleged President of the United States: you, me, outside the Lamb and Flag, any time you like.
“Bring a bat if you want, it doesn’t matter, for I am going to kick the sodding Fanta out of you and leave you a quivering blob on the concrete.”
This garnered a rapturous ovation from the chamber, with parliament sorely lacking a decent fistman since John Prescott waddled off to the House of Lords.
“Marvellous,” said Labour MP, Simon Williams, rubbing his hands with glee.
“We’ve already got a pool going on who wins; Corbyn isn’t putting money down, obviously, not just because he’s a pacifist but also because he’s a tightwad. He’s such a boring bastard.”
A spokesperson for President Trump said, “President Trump accepts this challenge and looks forward to having a fight with a cow, which he has done before and very nearly won.”
