Tuesday 7 February 2017

“Fight me, you orange bastard!” says John Bercow

John Bercow takes on Donald Trump

John Bercow has offered to deck the President of the United States.

The Speaker of the House of Commons laid down the challenge in a rare address to the chamber.

“Britain stands for tolerance, openness and fairness, and nobody does fights in a pub car park like we do,” said the speaker, to hearty agreement from listening MPs.

“So I am sending a message loud and clear to the alleged President of the United States: you, me, outside the Lamb and Flag, any time you like.

“Bring a bat if you want, it doesn’t matter, for I am going to kick the sodding Fanta out of you and leave you a quivering blob on the concrete.”

This garnered a rapturous ovation from the chamber, with parliament sorely lacking a decent fistman since John Prescott waddled off to the House of Lords.

“Marvellous,” said Labour MP, Simon Williams, rubbing his hands with glee.

“We’ve already got a pool going on who wins; Corbyn isn’t putting money down, obviously, not just because he’s a pacifist but also because he’s a tightwad. He’s such a boring bastard.”

A spokesperson for President Trump said, “President Trump accepts this challenge and looks forward to having a fight with a cow, which he has done before and very nearly won.”

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