Occasional UKIP leader Nigel Farage has vowed to ‘Scratch that bitch’s eyes out’ after news coverage of Prime Minister Theresa May’s stateside visit featured her holding hands with his boo, US President Donald Trump.
“Oh, that slag is going to get hers,” spat Farage in a seething, vicious outburst containing little of his trademark bonhomie.
“I mean, I’m not even jealous or anything… but everyone knows that I had him first and, if you’re listening, Don-Don, I can tell you that I would happily shake more than just your hand next time!
“But if you want to play with HER instead, then, whatever, I’m not bothered.
“That bitch should watch her back. Our transatlantic relationship was special enough before you turned up, darling.”
Mr Farage was then seen crying and running away, towards his shed.
Despite claiming that jealousy was not behind his threats to blind May, rumours that the Green-eyed monster had possessed the arch-Brexiter have been circulating ever since confirmation that the prime minister would be the first world leader to meet with Trump.
“Nigel’s not had it easy,” admitted one close associate.
“He keeps dropping hints about what REALLY went on in Trump Tower and waiting for the rain so he can stare at that picture of Trump and him embracing while listening to ‘Drive’ by the Cars.
“Poor, sad, git.”
It is believed that UKIP insiders are considering bringing his next relief leadership stint forward, in order to take his mind off the bizarre love triangle.