New administrative regions including Stottieland, Barmshire and North and South Focaccia have been proposed in a white paper published today.
Under the proposals, South Yorkshire would become the Peoples Republic of Buttyland, the West Midlands would be renamed Chapattistan, and Royal Berkshire would be called The Royal and Ancient County of Come Away, Darling, We Don’t Eat That Sort Of Thing Here.
Meanwhile, Scotland will be renamed Cobland except for one small part of Aberdeenshire which will become Bapff.
London boroughs are not immune to the changes, with Belgravia becoming Rollovia and Islington being renamed Waitrosia Eternia, because they would, wouldn’t they?
“We found that over 90% of Britons didn’t have a clue where Rutland was, or Monmouthshire, and could never remember which one was Devon and which one was Dorset,” said Communities & Local Government Secretary Simon Williams.
“But absolutely everyone knew that there was a bunch of twats up North say Stottie and Barm instead of roll, a bunch of twats down South who’d never touch a white loaf, and a bunch of twats in the middle who eat nothing but curry. Problem solved.
“We expect subdividing mainland Britain on the basis of what a roll should be called – and it is ‘roll’, incidentally, you bunch of morons – will be as successful as subdividing Ireland on the basis of religion was in the seventies.”
Reports indicate that barricades have already gone up between Yorkshire and Northumberland – or Breadcakeshire and Stottieland as they’re now known – but that could be for pretty much any reason really.