Study finds majority of Americans now support repealing Declaration of Independence

author avatar by 7 years ago

Most Americans would settle for decent beer and a head of state who isn’t a complete arsehole, according to studies published today.

Support for a repeal has leapt in recent months, with a spike to over 60% in November before settling back to a steady 53% in the new year.

However, support has rallied again in the last few days.

Many benefits have been cited in support of the move, including not dying because you’re a bit skint, not being randomly shot dead by police officers, and never having to pretend to enjoy drinking Bud Light again as long as you live.

Initial closed-doors discussions with Her Majesty the Queen have suggested that Americans would be allowed to keep Nascar and spelling things wrong during a transitional period to help them adapt.

“Yeah, I know that Monarchy is supposed to be tyranny, but I’ve not seen the Queen saying what I can and can’t do with my vagina recently,” said floating voter Mary-Simon Williams of Kenosha, Wisconsin.

“And she’s not said scientists have to clear their results with political staff before telling people what they actually are. I think she’s got more on her mind like living longer than her kids, which seems sensible.

“Really, I’m pretty cool with using the word ‘football’ differently in exchange for that alone.

“That guy from up the road who likes hanging out outside schools dressed up as The Joker having fewer assault weapons would help me sleep easier at night, too.”

However, the proposal hasn’t been met with unalloyed support, with a number of Government figures pointing to the UK jailing elected representatives for embezzlement as ‘utterly Un-American’.