Donald Trump has so far spent most of his Presidency wanking in the bath.
The so-called “President” emerges from his filthy tub roughly once a day to sign away some aspect of human rights before returning to the bath.
“I would say it’s extraordinary, but this is Trump, so it’s probably pretty ordinary,” shrugged White House staff member, Simon Williams.
“He doesn’t ever run a new bath. He just adds hot water to the existing one and continues yanking away. I’m trying not to think about the current semen-to-water ratio in that tub right now.
“You’d think his hands would be more muscular with all the exercise they’re getting between that and signing all of these horrible executive orders.”
An aide to the President said, “Like all decent and non-scary men, President Trump is aroused by power.
“And with all of this new power, he’s essentially been wanking himself into a frenzy.
“There was a suggestion that he might like to have sex with his wife, but she’s apparently escaped via the secret tunnel that Kennedy used to get his girls into the White House.
“She’s a very resourceful woman, Melania, and an impressive sprinter over 100 yards.
“So we’re confining him to the bath just to make sure he doesn’t, well…y’know… “do a Donald” on any of the younger and more attractive female members of staff.
“God Bless America.”